BEFORE YOU WRITE-OFF THAT PLAYER…
By Kimberly Morrison, Founder of Pro Mindfulness
Research offers three measures of resilience: personalization, permanence, and pervasiveness. These operate on a continuum from optimistic to despairing. "The coach hates me" (intense personalization). "It doesn’t matter what I do, the coach is never going to give me a chance" (intense permanence). "My whole life is ruined" (intense pervasiveness). At this despairing end of the continuum, we find athletes not so resilient to the current challenges they face. It’s natural for a coach who is faced with a player weighed down by this pessimistic perspective to become frustrated and to judge the player for playing the victim, being weak-minded, lazy, entitled, uncommitted, or un-coachable. But don’t get sucked into thinking resilience or the lack thereof is a permanent state. Resilience is circumstantial, and as coaches, we have the ability to ease or exacerbate the relevant circumstances.
If, as coaches, we refuse to act on our initial frustration and instead meet the lack of resilience with acceptance – acceptance that what the athlete is experiencing is a stress response and that a person’s response to stress is based on many factors including genetics, past traumas, modeling, and conditioning – then we can begin to do what Ed Schein, organizational culture and leadership expert of the MIT Sloan School of Management, calls "access our ignorance." Doing so allows us to piece together a way to move forward that honors the dignity of the struggling player while also helping her to achieve peak performance to the benefit of the team.
How do we access our ignorance? Stop assuming because we are in charge and have more experience that we have all the answers. Our frustration is an indicator that we actually don’t know what is called for now. So, it’s important to ask ourselves, what don’t I understand about this situation, and then from a place of genuine curiosity, not judgment, enter into conversation with the player. What would it take for you to feel more confident on the field? How can I support you in achieving your goals? What thoughts or emotions are getting in your way at practice/in games? What is underneath that, what are you most afraid of? What assumptions are you making about me or our relationship that might be getting in the way? Are there things I could do, or should stop doing, that would be helpful?
Initially, a player may be reluctant to answer these questions from a place of vulnerability, in part because her nervous system is cautioning her not to trust, and in part because she’s probably never been asked to think about the problem in this light.
But by asking the questions, we demonstrate compassion and our own vulnerability, building trust.
If the player is at a complete loss or is making only broad statements such as, "play me more," or "don’t yell at me," you could offer some direction in a way that directly counters her current feelings of personalization, permanence, and pervasiveness.
EXAMPLE: "I’m the one who told you that you were good enough to be here, and I still believe that." [This is not persona]. "In order for me to trust you with the ball/ invest game-day minutes in your development, I need to see X. This is not something we have time to address in practice, but I have videos of drills that are good for developing this skill. If you work on this three or four times a week for 10-15 minutes at a pop, you’re going to be a different player." [This is not permanent]. "Don’t be discouraged, this is only one setback in one year of a long career which is only a small part of a full life." [This is not pervasive].
We’re coaches, not therapists. But our players are human beings – and young ones at that – they’re not machines, pawns in our career, or tools for victory. They, as individuals, are worth the investment of our time, training, and respect, and that investment will pay off as individual athletes develop and team flow is achieved.
Kimberly Morrison, Founder of Pro Mindfulness, is a Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) & Mindful Performance Enhancement Awareness & Knowledge (mPEAK) teacher who works with high school and NCAA athletes to cultivate resilience and enhance performance, such that they meet their full potential -- all while supporting their mental health. She is also a certified Mindful Outdoor Leadership Guide, trained in Mindful Self-Compassion (MSC), Non-Violent Communication (NVC), Stress & Trauma Active Release & Rewiring (STARR), and yoga. She has coached youth sports for 18 years, including High School and Club Field Hockey. For help managing difficult communications or to schedule mindset or resilience training for yourself, your team, or individual players email kim@promindfulness.com